What is 2 percent of 2 percent?

 

I heard once that 98 percent of people are "normal".  The remaining 2 percent are "leaders" or are considered exceptional.  They've somehow managed to give the perception of above-average success.

 

I think though that the success tends to be one-dimensional.  It is what people value I suppose, but it's nothing that I do.

 

Here's my theory:

 

From the 2 percent of these exceptional leaders, there are only 2 percent who are in fact "stable exceptional people."  They have full lives, they lead in their respective fields, but they also are satisfied deep down with what they have. 

 

How do we accomplish the combination between stability and ambitious exceptional progress?

 

We need to find the right mix of horizontal and vertical growth.  How? Ah....that's the secret of life! :)

Normal - conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

 

Stable - steadfast; not wavering or changeable, as in character or purpose; dependable.

 

A Comfort Zone derives its name from what it can offer - comfort.  It is my contention though that the "good" feeling in that comfort zone is too often confused with happiness, thereby providing a compelling rationale for being normal.

 

While the following connection may seem a bit far-fetched, to me, the difference between being normal and being stable is like the difference between living in pursuit of convenience and living in pursuit of happiness.

 

The pursuit of convenience seems to drive a lot of our long-term and short-term goals: comfortable cars, larger houses, faster services and more value for the buck as they say.  To me, that is normal, and very boring indeed.  The potential for progressiveness and optimization in this area is extremely limited in my humble opinion, with apologies to all yaucht lovers :) 

 

There is only so much convenience one can go after, but really, it's simply not worth the required time...just a cycle of wanting faster and bigger things so that we can enjoy this "more"...and once the ceiling is reached, good luck dealing with the emotional void created.

 

On the other hand, the pursuit of happiness is something entirely different.  You see, the pursuit of convenience is a subset of the pursuit of happiness, an important one of course.  However, pursuing happiness with all its sides, especially the emotional ones, allows us to become stable people as opposed to normal people. 

 

Stable people are not satisfied with the status quo - oh, not at all.  In fact, they're on the cutting-edge of change.  They live for change.  Distinctively though, they tend to value stability in change above everything else.  They derive their self-worth from accomplishing predictable stable change not only in the financial arena, but more importantly, in the human field. 

 

This is usually a product of proactive emotional management, which is an entirely different subject in its own right, so let's end this here :)

 

In an interesting casual conversation I was having with a young man at a community event, he started listing the names of characters of Sesame Street in Arabic. So, after the pleasantaries of sharing the names with him, I suddenly asked him: "Do you know why you remember all these names although you haven't talked about them for many years?"

 

He went silent for a bit.  The answer from him was "childhood memories, u know what I'mean...u know how it is :)".

 

Funny enough, the young man was right, but I did reword his answer to him quite a bit, and it goes something like this:

 

Memory is directly related to the amount and quality of emotions invested in them.  Children have no mechanism of regulating emotional investments, so they "go all out all the time".  If a child watches a show regulary, he/she will remember it for the rest of their lives.  The quality and purity of the emotional investment in the show are extremely high.

 

This is really interesting on two fronts:

 

First, it shows the value of censorship and how important it is to regulate what the child is exposed to.  The skills required to regulate emotional investments must be developed over a long period of time, with supervision of the care taker.

 

On another front, the intimate relationship between memory and emotions can have a tremendous impact of the quality of life of adults.  I'm always struck by the amounts of money thrown as an exercise in almost "addictive" consumerism in pursuit of a moment of happiness.  However, we know that the feeling (rush) only lasts for a short period of time. 

 

If you care about someone, don't buy something for them.  Instead, share an experience with them - a trip, a movie, a game...something that will last long enough to allow those emotional investment to mature and have a return in the future.

 

As simplistic as this may sound, it always amazes me to see people turn on automatic pilot and consume in an "attempt" to buy happiness.

 

Memory and Emotions are a couple that cannot be separated. They live together; they die together.

 

As an aside, I did have that young man thinking for quite a bit after that answer.  Hey, maybe one day he could pass it on to someone else :)

Basic successful relationships tend to be based on common expectations.  These expectations can range from common world views, to business dealings, to spiritual connections.

 

There are 3 views of relationships that I tend to observe in patterns:

 

1 - Tangible Needs Based: this is the case with most relationships these days.  It's a very financially oriented view.  They simply do not last, given the rate at which money exchanges bank accounts.

 

2 - Intangible Needs Based:  This one is a little higher in my view and it's very interesting. Steve Chubby speaks of the "Emotions Bank".  Every word or action to the "other" person is considered to be either a deposit or a withdrawal.  It's simply transforming emotions into a tansactional long-term model.  This model is very practical in a lot of cases and helpful, especially in close relationships.   It has its limits though, as we look at the next and last model.

 

3 - Free Will (The Shade Model): The prophet (pbuh) spoke of 7 types of people who will be under the shade of Allah when there is no shade but his.  One of those types are two young people who loved each other for the sake of Allah - they met in his way and separated in his way. This is where this revolutionary prophetic model absolutely blows away every other relationship model.   The point of separation is not a negative one.  In fact, it's a promise of another more fulfilling meeting in the hereafter. 

 

People's subconscious views on relationships become evident when they engage in a deeply emotional conflict with the "other".  How the conflict is dealt with and how the ending chapter of a friendship may be truly defines both the characters of the people involved and the foundation upon which the relationship was built opon.

 

 

 

Narrated An-Nu'man bin Bashir

The Prophet said "Both legal and illegal things are obvious, and in between them are (suspicious) doubtful matters. So who-ever forsakes those doubtful things lest he may commit a sin, will definitely avoid what is clearly illegal; and who-ever indulges in these (suspicious) doubtful things bravely, is likely to commit what is clearly illegal. Sins are Allah's Hima (i.e. private pasture) and whoever pastures (hissheep) near it, is likely to get in it at any moment."

The challenge, I believe, lies not simply in finding the position of an act on the legal spectrum. Quite often, illegal acts tend to accomplish quick satisfaction for our intincts.  However, one important principle is that for every illegal act, there is a legal substitute.  So that becomes the second challege.  Namely, it is training the self to accept the sub intead of what initially wanted.  The word "training" is crucial, because it implies the need for time and constant evaluation.

What happens though if a sub doesn't exist or is unattainable at a specific point in time?  Does that justify a compromise? 

This is the third level, which is the most challenging I believe.  It essentially implies that you've got to live with a void in your life until the legal becomes possible on your terms.  This is will power.  This is the stuff that makes self-ownership possible.  This is the discipline that leadership masters need and should want to have.  It's one thing to deal with the illegal.  It's another to deal with "no subs" or emptiness.

However, when the legal becomes possible, those who stuck to their principles during tough times will know the conditions of success.  They will know what it takes to fail.  They will know what what is destiny and what is free will. 

This is why the verse says,

24:55 ....and that He will change (their state), after the fear in which they (lived), to one of security and peace: 'They will worship Me (alone) and not associate aught with Me. 'If any do reject Faith after this, they are rebellious and wicked.  (Quran)

 

 

 

Are we there yet?

 

...Ok, how about now? Are we...huh?..huh? Someone tell that kid to stop asking or else!!!

 

 

In the Quran:

 

21:37 Man is a creature of haste: soon (enough) will I show you My Signs; then ye will not ask Me to hasten them!

He will show the signs, but who is there to think and "see"?

Assuming we agree on the facts above, we can understand why people are always frustrated with their pace in life regardless of how fast it is.

Now, here is another dimension to this "natural haste":

In biology, a "reflex" is a reaction initiated by nerves in close proximity to a limb without interference from the brain.  This is a marvelous defense mechanism by the way. 

Let's take this and apply it to emotions.  People have "emotional reflexes" whenever they experience an extreme human condition - joy, fear, social acceptance...Let me pick one because it helps in explaining and regulating jealousy.  Self-esteem controls so much of how we react to other people's success.  The "reflex" here is to compare with one's corresponding condition.  If the soul is left to be controlled by the that reflex, jealousy is the result.  If, on the other hand, knowledge, morality and faith are used, this reflex can be used to build bridges and relationships between people.

Briefly, the objective shall always be to:

1- Detect one's own emotional reflexes.

2- Understand the conditions under which they're triggered.

3- Replace the actions resulting from those reflexes with controlled ones directed towards a good cause.

God did indeed create us from haste, but he also enabled us to do something about it by first looking for the signs He promised he would show us.

Money, Money, Money...everybody just wants MONEY!

 

The prophet peace be upon him once said that if the son of Adam had a mountain of gold, he would most certainly ask for another one.

 

There is wisdom is this natural instinct of course.  Without ambition, progress would be an impossibility.  However, just like any other instinct, ambition needs to be regulated.

 

In Arabic, the proverb says that contentment is a limitless treasure.  It always had been difficult for me though to distinguish between contentment and settling (being a loser!)

 

Back to the mountains though - I think the analogy is absolutely wonderful to analyze.  Consider yourself on a short journey through these two mountains and trace your path.  Also, consider your height relative to sea level to be your "emotional scale" if you will.

 

You travel along.  You reach the highest point in the first mountain, and you feel like you own the world.  Nothing can bring you down now!  Soon enough, you get used to it.  So, gradually, you start going downhill until you feel a sense of normality.  But guess what, you do not foget how "happy" you felt when you were on the top of that mountain.  Something inside you says that you need to go out there looking for that feeling again.

 

So, you walk at "sea level" for a bit, forgeting the mountain behind of course, and....whoaa...look at that...it's a new mountain.  Let's climb, feel the high.  Regardless of how many mountains you climb, you'll still want more - always searching for a mountain that is so high and huge, you never have to go downhill again.

 

This phenomenon in pshychology is precisely what fuels consumerism so madly these days.  People get by because they can feel "high" every time they buy or try something "new".  All the words in quotes are relative in nature.  This is important because to truly lead a balanced content life, one must base his or her goals on 'absolute' values.  This way, you don't foget the mountains you already went through and you're not afraid to be reminded of the past because you're at peace with it. 

 

That is why contentment brings tranquility to the heart.  It's about ensuring that your reference point doesn't change by your current position when it comes to materialism.  You see, you can never change the past.  But, you can change your perception of it.

 

In short, contentment is the art of visualizing the past, present and future in one frame and from one point of view.

 

 

Beat me all you want...I'll take that.  Nothing hurts more than tip-toeing through pieces of a shattered dream.

 

Show me the greatest joys on earth...nothing is more beautiful than living a dream.  Nothing is more natural to me than dreaming itself.

 

The problem with dreaming is that we tend to build those dreams on incomplete information.  We build them on potential.  Potential is a very subjective concept. 

 

It is better to find the right information about the future of a plan instead of day dreaming about the results.  You see, sometimes, even if the results were good objectively speaking, we would not be "happy" with them simply becuase they do not match our "dreams" or expectations.

 

Happiness, we must always remember, is subjective well-being.  Sitting on a shore for hours gazing in the horizon while observing the sunset - that makes me happy.  I bet though that for some people it's an exercise in professional boredom.

 

This is useful because I truly believe that one can change his or her perception of happiness over time.  The prophet chose to die earlier and not have all the gold in the world and still go to paradise. He chose the type of happiness he wanted to have.

 

My contention is that we can change what makes us happy.  Dreaming and building expectations without complete information is an enjoyable activity.  However, it's no sure bet that our expectations will pan out.

 

Building expectation day by day based on objective information is a much more enjoyable activity.   Our dreams become more attainable and realistic.  It requires descipline, but saves us a ton of time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Human nature makes us focused only on instantaneous results of our thoughts, words and actions. 

 

This focus usually comes at the expense of focus on the delayed or long term results.  In fact, the quran states this fact clearly in surat al-haqqa.  Typical interpretaions of the Quran would claim that the delayed results can mostly be seen on the day of judgement.

 

A more interesting interpretation would be that the delayed result will visible be in this world if enough time is given.  By examining history, we can disnguish instantaneous results from delayed ones.

It so happens that most of the time, instantaneous results and delayed ones tend to be opposite. 

Towards the end of Surat al-baqara, God says that he will hold you to account whether for that which reveal and that which you hide. 

 

One plausable interpretation is that even entertaining thoughts and intentions deeply will have long-term consequences in our lives.  It shows the intricate balance of the self and how each thought, word and action must be considered very carefully before we go deeper into it.

 

The focus on long-term consequences shows the importance of risk management as a concept in a Muslim's life.  Muslims, by definition then, will naturally become formidable project managers because measuring results is part of their subconscious through the years.  That's cool stuff...individuals and families doing that stuff...a community...etc...oh boy...back to reality. 

 

Sometimes, you just can't help but dream! :)

Decisions, decisions, decisions...that's life.

 

How decions are made is a different story.  Too often, we make decisions without being fully aware of the factors influencing us in making our choices.

 

In fact, the most important factor in my mind is our emotional state at the time of the decision. I'm not only speaking of anger and extreme feelings here.  I'm speaking of the regular ups and downs during our daily lives. 

 

Try this as exercise in your next upcoming "big" diceision.  Deprive yourself of sleep for a day.  Make that decision and write it down.

 

Now, sleep well for a week and stay away from stress.  Make the decision and write it down. I'm not usually good at gambling, but I bet the two decisions are going to be very different.

 

When we feel "down" for whatever reason, including sleep depervation and tiredness, our emotional vulnarabilities float to the surface.  Our decisions become defensive.  We subconsciously attemp to protect ourselves through that decision-making. 

 

This is really cool to think about.  In Islam, we're instructed to make "istiikhara" prayer (Asking God for help in making a decision).  If we feel no inclination towards a decision, we pray again.  It's just wonderful to marvel at the wisdom of such an instruction. 

 

It's not only meant to remind us of the our dependence on God.  Prayer brings tranquility and a calm emotionaly state.  So, deeply, istikharah is all about awareness of our emotional state at all times and how it can influence our decision-making.  Praying and making a decision when we're not feeling well, and then blaming God for the result defeats teh whole purpose of istikharah. 

 

More than anything, istikharah is a call to depend on logic in decision-making.  Logic will only be fully functional when we are in a realtively comfortable state of mind.  For that, my motto shall always be - "Reason over Passion".

 

 

There is an axis around which everyone's life revolves.  This centroid in our lives gravitates us towards certain actions more than others.  In short, it decides our "priorities".

 

Prioritization is a very tricky subject to deal with. 

 

Consiciously, we profess to certain priorities to ourselves and the trustworthy.  In reality, however, there is very little connection between the strength of our bond to a priority and the amount of time we spend talking about it.

 

"Subsconscious Priorities" are what truly directs us in life. That's where we spend most of our time.  More specifically, it is where we spend our perceived "spare time".  Goal-setting takes on an etirely different approach if this is taken into consideration.  The starting point and the focus is entirely different.  In order to add new priorities, we must eliminate some of the present ones.  Our true priorities are all subconscious.  We forget that they're priorities because they have become integral components of lives - or so we think.

 

There is nothing wrong about not changing anything in those subconscious priorities.  However, knowing what these priorities are by analyzing the time spent at each one will allow us to enjoy doing them more, and will also give us a window to shuffle them and add new ones as we become more "efficient" at "aliveness" :)

 

 

 

 

Every authoratative figure must avoid being granted authority at all cost.  The prophet said: "The one who asks for authority (Imarah) will not find it".  A literal interpretation of that hadith would say that those who ask for leadership titles won't have them.  That is reasonable on the surface. 

 

But, what happens when the system itself encourages prospective leaders to ask for authority?  Take politics as an example.  Does the Prophetic saying still hold true?

 

I think it does, and here's why.  You may have the title of an authorotative figure, but that does not mean that you have authority.  Every ounce of authority must be earned by the leader in order to ensure that the relationship can withstand outside pressures and can last for long periods of time.  The foundation of any building is the most important element.  The foundation of authority is earning it through geniune relationships based on logic and shared memories.

 

This is very interesting because it relates to the relationship between parents and their children.  Typically, the child is told that they must listen to the parents because God says so.  That is "Granted Authority".  That is why it tends to vanish once the teenage years approach. The granted authority given by God must be coupled with earned authority through rational conversations.

 

Every relationship has reason and passion in it.  God's commandments to respect the parents is the passion.  Earned authority over the years is the reason.  In fact, God asks children to disobey their parents in case parents ask of the children that which causes God's displeasure.  Reason over Passion.  Reason over Passion...ah..I feel good when I hear those words!

Psychologists define happiness as subjective well-being. In our pursuit of this "well-being", we go to extremes in finding way to "feel" that we're in control of our destiny.

 

The Quran and hadith provide us with insight on understanding emotions in numerous places to help us in becoming "happier" if you will. While we all know the ideal life the Prophet Mohammad lived with its tranqulity and well-roundedness, we all seem too far away from that to the point where it's hard to know where to begin.

 

The starting point, I believe, has to be in measuring where we are on a specific spectrum. 

 

There are two ends for the bar here: Self-Ownership and Enslavement by Desires.

 

1) Self-Ownership:

 

In describing emotional well-being, The Prophet says that the tough person is not the one who outwrestles people.  Instead, it is the one who "owns" himself or herself at the moment of anger.  Anger is an extreme emotion.  So we can safely generalize the statement to include "owning" one's self in all circumstances and through all emotions. 

 

The use of ownership here is a very insightful.  People assert their ownership of things by proving their knowledge about it.  For instance, I own my cell phone and I can prove it.  I can probably change the settings blindly.  That's why it's mine and no one else's.  It's not about "control".  It's about "knowledge".  That's powerful.  Control can be an illusion.   There is nothing illusive about knowledge.

 

So, to own the self, we must get to know it well.  In fact, the more we know it, the more we can claim ownership over ourselves.  How does that happen?  This is a very long process.  However, it's a lot easier to go through it once that vision and end goal of self-ownership is fully visualized in the mind and embedded in the heart.

 

2) Enslavement by Desires:

 

The Quran speaks of the condition of the undisciplined person:

 

This is not "self-ownership"; this is desire-ownership.  The person becomes under control instead being in control.  Fullfilment is very difficult to reach for such a person because we are speaking of "vain desire" here.

 

How wonderful it is for the verse above though to paint desire with a touch of divinity.  A god will always know more than the slaves.  Enslavement and ignorance go hand in hand.  Slaves will never know how to control their destiny.  They're too comfortable with what their master offers, however little it is.  Such is the life of the one who's enslaved by desire.  He or she is just too comfortable with what vain desire can offer, however little it can be. 

 

 

Now, as a final note, by contrasting the two conditions in our own lives, we can see how volotile our emotional states are.  Within one day, one can switch back and forth in the struggle of the inner self several times.  The key is to never quit trying and to stay objective when analyzing life's experiences.